The Seefood Diet

Several of my friends have been trying to lose weight. One told me, “I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.” I laughed and said, “Have you tried the garlic diet? You won’t lose weight, but you look thinner from a distance.” If you’re considering a diet, here are the dieter’s 10 ammendments. I hope they make you laugh.

1. If you eat something and no one saw it, it doesn’t count.
2. If you exercise while you eat, it doesn’t count.
3. Potato chips and carrot cake count as veggies.
4. The best diet is the seefood diet. When you see food, you eat it.
5. If your friends gain weight, you automatically become thinner.
6. Every food you split into smaller pieces contains less calories.
7. Only eat half of your dessert. Take two pieces of pie. Eat half of each.
8. Foods with similar colours contain the same number of calories. That’s why it’s fine to substitute pistachio ice cream for spinach.
9. Chocolate has a dedicated area in the stomach, so you should have it with every meal.
10. A calorie is really a measurement of heat. So ice cream contains no calories.

Now please don’t get upset with me for saying this, but I’ve always been thin. I once swallowed a peanut and they thought I was pregnant, with twins. I tried everything to gain weight. I went back for seconds, thirds and fourths. My healthier looking friends tell me they’d give anything to have my metabolism, but life isn’t all rosy in skinnyville either. At times I’ve wanted nothing more than to bulk up. Isn’t that just like us humans? The grass always looks greener somewhere else. Then we aerate and water and fertilize and stand there looking at our beautiful yard and realize we didn’t want green grass at all. We wanted a flower garden like the lady across the street. And the cycle of discontent repeats itself.

So where do we find contentment? In a thicker wallet? A slimmer waist? I believe the secret is found in one word that has saved my marriage and filled me with joy. That word is “Gratitude.” Discontentment is found when we dwell on what we don’t have. Contentment comes when we focus on how richly we’ve been blessed. I’m thankful today for God’s provision. For food. Clothing. Even though I need suspenders to keep my swimming suit up. I’m thankful God’s mercies are new every morning.

More than anything, I’m thankful for God’s great love for me. Psalm 107:1 says, “Oh give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, for His steadfast love endures forever!” And I’m thankful for friends. Like my friend Ben who’s on a coconut banana diet. He hasn’t lost any weight yet, but boy can he climb a tree.

Phil Callaway

Phil Callaway, the host of Laugh Again, is an award-winning author and speaker, known worldwide for his humorous yet perceptive look at life.

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